


I'm Almost Me Again (She's Almost You)

by snow_covered_hills



Series: Higher Love [3]
Category: Captain Marvel (2019)
Genre: Amnesia, Angst with a Happy Ending, Eventual Fluff, Eventual Smut, F/F, Lots of memories, carol has struggles, maria has feelings
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-19
Updated: 2020-03-20
Packaged: 2020-07-08 04:28:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,744
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19863487
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snow_covered_hills/pseuds/snow_covered_hills
Summary: Maria copes with the fact that Carol has no idea who she is.Title from "Almost (Sweet Music)" by Hozier





	1. Chapter 1

It’s not that Maria isn’t happy to have her back. She is, but this woman standing before her with clenched fists and a stern expression isn’t the woman she knew. She wears her face, speaks with her voice, her eyes carry the same fire as Carol Danvers, but the person behind them is someone else. Vers, she says her name is. A soldier from another world with flaming hands and blue blood.

She couldn’t believe her eyes when she saw Carol Danvers standing in her backyard, asking for her by her full name -- her first cue something was off. Once she’d gotten over the flood of emotions at the sight of her long lost love, she knew almost instantly that this person who had come back to her wasn’t her Carol, though she tries her best to be. She asks Maria about herself, about Maria, Monica, and their life together. Maria gives her snippets here and there. She’s not sure how much is too much, so she tries to be sparse.

“How long have we known each other?”

“Counting the time you been gone? 15 years.”

“How long have I known Monica?”

“Her whole life.”

“Did we live together?”

“We did.”

Maria never lies to her. She never gives more than what she’s asked for either. She’s not going to divulge any details about the nature of their relationship. Not just yet. She figures Carol’s had her fill of people putting shit in her head. She’ll tell her anything else she wants to know, but not that. Not the fact that they’d been in love for 10 of those 15 years, or that Monica is as much Carol’s as she is Maria’s. Not the fact that they didn’t just share a house, they shared a bedroom, where they would share infinitely more with each other. Countless nights wrapped up in one another, learning every curve of each others’ bodies, filling the night with the sound of their gasps. No...she definitely won’t tell her that. Carol...Vers... doesn’t need any of that right now. She just needs something to kickstart the rest of her memories. Just a sliver of her past to shake loose the fragments of her life buried deep within the recesses of her mind, blocked off by the Kree. So that’s all Maria gives her. She takes the rest of their life and locks it away, buries it deep down inside her heart. One day, when Carol’s ready to hear it, Maria will dig it out for her. For now, this will have to do.

* * *

Maria takes her on a tour around the house at Carol’s request. Maybe it’ll jog some memories, she’d said.

Carol stares at the photographs on Maria’s walls, the drawer still filled with her T shirts, crude family portraits of her, Maria, and Monica done in crayon scattered on the walls of Monica's bedroom, pieces of herself - of Carol Danvers strewn about Maria’s home. Not Vers, _Carol_. 

Nothing about this house seems familiar to her. Maria explains that she only moved here 3 years ago, after leaving the Air Force. She could’ve renewed her contract but it didn’t feel right flying without Carol by her side. And she had a child to raise by herself. So she moved back to where she grew up, to be closer to her family and farther from the endless pain of remaining in a place she’d grown to associate with Carol, with only a box of personal effects and her memories left of her best friend. She couldn’t bear to keep living in the house she and Carol had bought together, raised Monica in, made into a home together.

Maria sits on her bed as Carol examines the articles on her dresser. Another photo of her and Maria, years ago when they were rookie pilots - Maria says. A polaroid of Monica the day she was born, swaddled in Maria’s arms. A small felt box containing two rings with a gentle silver sheen. One a solid band of hammered metal, and the other almost vine like - made up of several thin strips of silver interwoven to create a band with a modest diamond poking out from the top, and a series of smaller ones on either side. Carol runs her finger gently over the rings, and a spark runs through her body. She feels...something. Like a memory knocking on a door at the back of her mind, so close to breaking through...until it fades like ripples in a pond and all that’s left is frustration and two silver rings that don’t mean anything to Carol. She bites back the urge to slam her fists down on the dresser, to cry out in vexation. She doesn't want to alarm Maria, this woman who says she's her best friend and has been nothing but welcoming and helpful to Carol since she popped up in her front lawn after 6 years and brought an intergalactic war with her. She feels a pang of guilt at getting Maria and Monica involved in everything, thinks of all the times Maria could've died yesterday, because Carol _insisted_ she come along for the ride. She swallows, refusing to dwell on those thoughts any longer. 

“You married?” She asks, turning her focus back to the rings in an effort to distract herself.

Maria swallows the hope building in her chest. It’s silly to think Carol would remember just because she looked at their wedding rings. She almost wants to tell her right then and there, that yes, she's married. _They're_ married. Well, as married as they could be in this day and age. She wants to tell her how Carol snuck out of the house to buy those rings, how she asked Maria to sit on the hood with her, and in the midst of their conversation, asked Maria to marry her. Promised to her under the stars that all she needed was Maria, not some permission slip from the government. She wants to tell her about their wedding, on a hill overlooking the airbase, officiated by one of their closest friends, with only Monica and two of their other friends in attendance, and about how she fell more in love with Carol each day they were together. All of this Maria wants to say, and she almost does.

Almost.

She catches the remnants of frustrated confusion on Carol's face, and stops herself. Reminds herself that she promised not to say anything until Carol remembered on her own. Maria takes a breath and chokes down her words, replacing them with a far simpler response.

“I was.”

Carol looks at Maria, trying to study her expression. Maria averts her gaze. The emptiness, the uncertainty in the woman’s eyes is too much for Maria to look at. Carol turns back to the rings.

“Sorry it didn’t work out.” She offers.

“Yeah, me too.” Maria sighs. She lifts her eyes to Carol once again, and stares as she continues.

“Still holdin’ out hope, though.”

Carol doesn’t notice Maria’s wistful eyes fixed on her back. She definitely doesn’t notice the solitary tear roll down Maria’s face when she finally looks away.

* * *

“Damn, you sure you don’t wanna stick around longer? I could use someone who actually gets these plates clean.” Maria jokes, observing the drying rack full of spotless dishes next to Carol, who shuts off the faucet and slings the towel over her shoulder, turning to face Maria and shooting her a smug grin. It almost makes Maria falter, because this smile is pure Carol Danvers, but Maria knows its not really her. Not anymore. It kills her inside, how this woman who dropped out of the sky is so similar to Carol, yet so different at the same time.

It feels like a cruel joke. The universe took the love of her life away, kept her away from her, from their daughter, for 6 years. 6 years, and then it decided to give her back, only the love of her life didn’t love her back now. Didn’t even know who she was beyond a vague concept in her head and a handful of moments floating around in her memories. It’s like everything she wants is just out of reach and all she wants to do is step forward and snatch it, and never let it go again, but she’s frozen in place.

They both are.

Maria almost breaks, but she swallows the feeling as it builds, determined not to have a meltdown in front of this person she’s known for nearly two decades, and yet just met a day ago. She thought she would never make it through the first year without Carol. Every day she died a little more inside thinking of all the things she’d have to do without her life partner by her side. All the milestones Monica would reach without her other parent to guide her. Even now, with 6 years to heal, Maria still isn’t the same. She’s better, to be sure, but her laughs don’t hold the same depth as they used to. Her smile doesn’t stretch as wide, her heart doesn’t feel as light, and her bed doesn’t feel as warm as it did when she had Carol.

Monica has kept her going through it all. Her daughter was a beacon of light in the endless, bleak night that was mourning Carol Danvers. Sweet, optimistic Monica who never for one second stopped believing her Auntie Carol would come back. _Well, she was partially right._ Maria thinks with a hint of bitterness.

The worst part is that Carol isn’t just a stranger in her lover’s body. She’s _almost_ Carol. Just similar enough to make Maria’s heart ache with longing, to make her want to grab this woman by the shoulders and force her to remember herself, remember Maria, remember what they had, everything they built together. She has Carol’s determination and courage, and cockiness, but not her memories. She’s just _Carol_ enough to cause Maria a twinge of pain with every glance, every sentence uttered, every grin thrown her way. But she’s not Carol. She might never be.

Carol seems to notice the shift in Maria’s mood, and her smug expression morphs into one of concern.

“What is it?” She asks, hoping it’s not something she did.

Maria struggles to find the words. She sighs and shakes the thoughts from her head, instead walking over to the fridge and fetching a beer.

“Want one?” She gestures to Carol, who shrugs, accepting the deflection for now - not wanting to pry if Maria is unwilling to tell her what's wrong.

“Sure. Can’t remember if I like ‘em or not.” She offers a small smile to Maria.

“Oh you do. Sometimes a little too much.” Maria shoots back, her mood slightly lifted, remembering all the times Carol got herself into fights, both verbal and physical with pompous men at Pancho's after one too many sexist jokes and about five too many beers.

That was her Carol. Stubborn and proud with just the right amount of reckless. Never one to back down from a fight. She could see that in this Carol too.

Carol takes the beer from Maria and twists the cap off, taking a swig. She scoffs.

“So I do.”

The two women stand in silence for a beat. Carol is the one who breaks it.

“I remembered something.”

Maria’s head snaps up. For a second she dares to hope. 

“Oh?”

Carol nods. She sets her beer down on the kitchen table and slumps down into one of the chairs. Maria slowly makes her way over, taking the seat across from Carol.

“I remembered flying with you. The first time.”Carol says quietly.

“We were so high off the adrenaline rush. I remember my heart pounding out of my chest landing that plane. I was so scared to screw it up. I ran straight into your arms after. I felt like I could take on the whole world.” Carol smiles fondly at the memory. She stares at Maria, as if trying to work out a puzzle.

“Every time I remember something good, it’s always you. I don’t have a single happy memory that you’re not somehow a part of.”

Maria smiles sadly at Carol before turning her gaze to her beer, feeling Carol’s eyes scanning her, practically hearing the gears turning in her head, like she's trying to remember something that’s on the tip of her tongue but she just can’t recall.

“That was one of the best days of our lives. That was when we knew we had a shot. You and me. Fighter pilots.” Maria chuckles. Maybe it would’ve happened if Carol had never been taken. If Maria had stayed in. Just a year after she retired, some girl from St. Louis became the first woman ever to command a fighter jet in the Air Force. _Good for her_. Maria doesn’t grieve too much over it. Not when there had been so much more to grieve.

Carol returns Maria’s smile - shares her sad, yearning look.

“We must have had something special.” Carol all but whispers, holding Maria’s gaze. It almost feels like a question is buried in her words.

Maria doesn't look away for once, feeling her breath hitch slightly. She blinks and tries to banish the moisture coming to her eyes.

“That we did.”

It's not the memory Maria was hoping Carol would recall, but it's something. It's a start. Maybe one day Carol will remember who she is. Who they were to each other. Today is not that day, nor is Maria going to force it to be. She’s waited 6 years for Carol Danvers to come back to her. She can wait a little while longer.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hello! first of all thank you guys SO much for your comments they mean so much to me. :) I really appreciate the feedback especially since I'm a new writer. and yall are too kind rly. Second of all - i apologize for the long gap in updates. life got kinda crazy and everything was just a bit much, so I'm sorry for that. hopefully I will be able to keep updating this and my other works more often now that things have calmed down a bit. Thank you guys for your patience. Third! Let me know what you guys want for the next chapter, bc I'm not sure if i should keep it PG-13 or make it more M-rated if ya know what i mean ;) pls leave ur vote in the comments and thank u guys so much again for ur kind words. I hope yall like this chapter. (considering it took almost a year Lol)

“You wanna what, now?” 

“I want you to put me back in that machine. Like the one you used to probe my memories after Torfa.” 

Talos responds only with a raised eyebrow. Carol relents somewhat sheepishly.

“I saw one on deck 5 when I was...exploring.” 

Talos smirks. He mulls it over. Carol watches him, hoping she’s not going to have to threaten him to make this work. Talos has been a good friend to her, and she trusts him now more than most. He’s made this journey easier, to be sure, and she doesn’t think he’ll turn her down, especially now that they’ve finally caught a break. Carol had found this planet a week ago, and spent days surveying it to make sure it was safe and habitable. Now, after four exhausting months of travel, they're finally laying down the foundations for the Skrulls' new home. 

She suddenly realizes this is the first chance she’s had to wind down since she left, and it hits her just how long she’s been at work. The days had started to blur together, especially with the lack of sleep she’d been getting. Today feels like the first breath of fresh air in forever. 

But something hasn’t felt right since they left Louisiana. The way she and Maria left things hasn’t sat well with her. It wasn’t anything unpleasant, but neither of them could ignore the tension that built up between them during Carol’s brief stay, and lingered long after she had left. Even now, Carol can feel it when she thinks of Maria. It’s a kind of tension she can’t quite find the words to describe. It’s not purely sexual or romantic. It’s some mixture of the two, but so much deeper, and laced with history that remains largely unknown to Carol. Something draws Carol to Maria like a super-magnet and she can’t put her finger on what it is.

Something happened between them before the crash, she knows it. Whatever it was, Carol knows there was - and probably still is something between the two of them, and she’s determined to find out what. She can see it in the way Maria looks at her, the way her stoic visage wavers ever so slightly when she can tell Carol is on the verge of remembering something only for it to escape her. That flicker of hope creeping into her eyes, swiftly replaced by crushing disappointment, quickly masked for Carol’s sake. 

Carol never thought a look in someone’s eyes could split her heart right down the middle. And the worst part is she doesn’t even know why.

She hates this. She hates not knowing, not being able to remember no matter how hard she concentrates, or how long she stares at the pictures Monica gave her. She hates that her life is a jigsaw puzzle that she just can’t solve. Most of all she hates that look in Maria’s eyes. 

It happens when Carol asks her about her old life, or when Maria says something that Carol must’ve understood 6 years ago, but may as well be in a foreign language now. That awful moment of realization that the woman she’s speaking to is not the same one she shared a life with. Carol hates the way Maria’s eyes flit away for a moment, unable to look at Carol, the way she clenches her jaw slightly, as if trying to hold back tears, before blinking and giving Carol a forced, reassuring smile and explaining the meaning behind what she said. She hates seeing how she’s hurt Maria, so much for so long, without having any idea. 

She needs to solve this puzzle. She can’t go on not knowing who she is, not after finding out how much she lost. How much was stolen from her. 

“You have any idea how dangerous that is? Not to mention it’ll probably hurt - a lot.” Talos says cautiously. 

“Will it work?” 

“I’m not saying it’s impossible, I’m just saying it’s not gonna be easy.” 

Carol sets her jaw and takes a breath. She doesn’t care how hard it is or how painful. She doesn’t care if it kills her. She’d rather die than not remember. She’s spent the last 6 years a blank slate, and she’s not going to keep living like that. Not one minute more.

“I don’t want easy. I want my life back.” she states evenly.

Talos shrugs, acknowledging that she’s made up her mind. 

“All right. Let’s go to the lab.” 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The second those crackling purple beams connect with her temples, Carol swears her head’s exploding. For the first few moments, all she can feel is white hot pain in her head, searing her brain, then a rush like she’s tumbling out of a plane with no parachute, and at some point everything comes back to her at once. Her entire life shoots through her brain at light speed, hitting her like a freight train to the face. 

The academy. Her childhood. Getting thrown out of Pancho’s for breaking Brett Johnson’s nose. Monica’s birth. Maria. 

_Maria…_

It all falls together in an instant. Carol was the one who took that polaroid of Maria and a newborn Monica. Carol was the one who first slid that shimmering silver band onto Maria’s finger. 

_Oh my god, we were married._

She remembers trying to impress Maria the first time they met, the Guns’N’Roses tickets Maria surprised her with for her birthday, she remembers the night their lips met for the first time and they fell into bed together after years of pining, how everything felt right in Carol’s world that night. All the early morning rushes to base, all the late nights spent curled up in each other’s arms, all the fights, the laughs, the tears...everything. 

She doesn’t realize she’s screaming until Talos pulls her from the machine, assuring her she’s all right. The world is spinning and shrieking and flaming all at once. Her head feels like it’s being ripped in two, but she’s never felt more whole in her life. 

“Did it work?” Talos asks.

Carol gives him an unsteady nod, still trying to shake the burning in her skull. She laughs despite the pain, and then the tears come. She remembers every detail of her life, from her first baseball game with her brother to her last morning with her wife and daughter. Finally all the pieces of that scrambled jigsaw puzzle fit beautifully, perfectly together. 

“You need to rest, come on.” Talos hauls her to her feet and helps her to her room. Carol protests weakly. 

“I know, you wanna go see your family. Believe me, I understand. But you’ve just put yourself through a helluva lot. You need to rest. You’re no good to ‘em like this.” Talos’s voice is calm and caring, easing the rush of panic in Carol’s chest. 

She barely registers his words as he lays her down on the bed and gives her a gentle pat on the shoulder. She mumbles her gratitude as he leaves, and drifts into the most peaceful sleep she’s had in 6 years. 

For once her dreams aren’t fragmented and terrifying, and she doesn’t wake up frustrated and disoriented. The last thought she has before she falls asleep, and the first one she has when she wakes up is her family. 

In the morning, she bids a quick farewell to Talos, who gives her an understanding smile before opening the hatch for her. Whatever reserves she had of leaving were fleeting. Talos had assured her they would be alright without her now that they were somewhat settled. She thanks him and shoots off like a comet, headed straight for Earth.

Carol’s never flown so fast in her life.

She lands in Maria’s front yard at about 10pm, Earth time. Past Monica’s bedtime. Not past Maria’s. She remembers their nightly routine. Put Monica to bed, watch a few episodes of whatever was on TV, then climb into bed themselves. Sometimes they’d forgo the TV part in favor of...other activities in the bedroom. Carol smirks at the memory.

She moves with the drive of someone who’s been lost in the dessert for weeks. Maria’s front door is her oasis, and she makes a beeline for it as soon as she touches down. She quietly raps her knuckles against the wooden door and waits.

The door unlocks and creaks open, and there stands Maria. Carol's breath catches in her throat as she searches for the right words. Maria is the first to break the silence.

"Carol." She says pleasantly, a hint of confusion in her voice. She's happy to see her, but she's also waiting for an explanation.

"Hey." Carol breathes out. No turning back now.

_Screw it._


End file.
